An open letter to my wonderful Daughter

3-1-2007 9:48 AM


From the Garth Brooks song "The dance".

"and now I'm glad I didn't know the way
it all would end, the way it all would go,
our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance"

These words are quite profound to me right now, particularly when I think about our interaction throughout your life. I have already mentioned that the experience of writing/expressing all of this is and continues to be quite cathartic for me. I have almost by accident ordered years of random thoughts and consequently faint glimmers of insight and understanding which are seen, ever so briefly, emerging from the surface of the sea of nonsense that has occasionally marked my existence prior to this moment.

While the preceding may be a poor vision of my existence, this sea of nonsense thing, it is in my view, true. Islands of common sense have emerged and these have awakened me to examine life in terms of the entire range of possibilities. Now, I have emerged to my present circumstance and that, in the aggregate, is now helping me see more clearly.

One of the great benefits, if not delights, of our journal project is that I was able to review and place in context a lot of my lifes experiences. What that means, simply, is that I was able to view everything, essentially from afar, and Looking at each period and occurrence in the context of when it happened and what was going on at the time. This was tremendously helpful to me. Consequently, I have been able to come to several conclusions and realizations.

1. My deepest regret is that we did in fact lose valuable time together.

2. Although, I have the ability to generate a great deal of love and joy, In my life
I could have done more in that respect..

3. I never told my Mother I loved her.

4. I am learning to forgive my Dad for being emotionally aloof during my childhood. Although he was my hero, I found that he was as flawed as the rest of us.

Given the above, In a pure logical construct, my outlook for the future would appear unsure, yet that is not how I feel at all. There appears to be a fundamental contradiction. The best I can come up with is that life is all about "the dance" and therefore, all about the pain. I could have been a better person and caused and suffered less pain, but I wasn't and didn't.

What I have learned through this is that the dance is self renewing. As the conditions for the dance change, I have the option to be a better person tomorrow. If I opt to not be a bad person, then the pain can and does become less.

On those days when I feel no pain and cause no pain, I feel grateful beyond speaking. The pain I have suffered and caused gives me perspective to appreciate a good day. The pain wouldn't exist without the dance, and neither would the potential for growth from the experience of that pain.

Dealing with the pain is a measure of our character and abilities, and that can only be achieved at and after the dance. I am glad I didn't miss the dance and because of that, I did not miss the pain, which taught me the value of changing my circumstances and learning to love and appreciate what is real and good in my life.